restoring multidimensionality...practice notes...
just reading this section is dizzying, in a wondrous way...very freeing...
after last weeks exercise, there is a definite noticing of loosening where stories and
thoughts are concerned...kinda feels like floating again, in time and space, but in a
more integrated way...i am still paying attention to how easy it actually is to get
'caught up' again...but also how easy it is not to...just allowing being to be with no
tight restrictions...
what has been really interesting, is my interaction with my son who has had to move in with me for a few weeks, and b/c i am more relaxed and at ease, even though he has numerous problems he is facing right now, my way of being is affecting him in a positive way...maybe...lol
last weeks exercise has had a lot to do with my ability to move freer through this
experience of now...since i don't have such a tight grip on my own stories, which include our past, there are no expectations and limits on our interaction now...
i am so appreciative right now...beyond words...my son, also in recovery will soon have one full year of sobriety...and to see him growing up and responding in healthy and mature ways, also helps me along my journey of healing and growing up...he is a lot smarter than i was when i was his age, and much humbler...lol, but i am so thankful that i am able to be respondent and helpful to him, and that together we can continue along our journey of knowledge in this space and time...
something that i am realizing on a deeper level, is how if things were not transitory, or if they were actually the solid structures we sometimes suppose them to be, nothing could change and none of this 'magic of the real' would be possible at all...all our experiences would not be...without interaction within fluidity, there could be no interaction at all...the frog could never turn into the prince, Cinderella would never have made it to the ball, and i would have never experienced the joy of my own journey, and the journeys of my loved ones, and the adventure and awe that allows
for it to still continue in wonder...
even though, as humans we are bound by reality's sometimes painful happenings, iow, loved ones die, we get sick, tragedies still occur...underneath this seemingly solidity of things that continues to happen, is an energy of beingness to be tapped...and although there are times in our lives that seem to be much harder than others to deal with, we can open up this realm of energy, and open pain up to joy and experience a more integrated and mature way of living...that not only helps us, it will also overflow into all of our relationships...it is just that powerful...it is not like 'constructing' a positive attitude, that uses up energy and leaves us to feel depleted...it is as easy as allowing what is to be, and opening up space and time within it...where there is plenty of space to feel not only the sadness of a loss, but also the joy and beauty of being in this time...
my son will have a year sober this month...what a journey this wonderful young man has had and i have had the privilege of being a part of...there was a time when we could not even speak to each other...but over the past year, our relationship has evolved into this wonderful dance of being...alot of our problem was me...i continued to hold on to expectations and pronouncements of what was, and what can be, limiting not only myself, but also him...i did this to my daughter as well...who has grown into this amazing woman, wife, and mother...a responsible member of society, and i am constantly amazed at how she continues to accomplish
the things she does...and now my son...who although is going through his own difficulties, is showing such heart of being...and i wonder...with appreciation and humility at his beautiful being...it also helps me to look at my own story within theirs...with all the mistakes i made, so much right happened...not even knowing how, being was ever dancing beneath the surface and was never restricted to the ways that i continually tried to define it...amazing...i cannot tell you how freeing it has been to look at these stories in this new light...it has allowed my relationships within my family to blossom in ways i never imagined...it has allowed me to understand and live this dance of being without confining it or limiting it in myself and others on a deeper abiding level...just allowing it to be...and enjoying the dance, and entering the dance, as it unfolds in space and time...this knowing or knowledge, is priceless... and it is available to all of being...for it is what we are...and what all is...
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feeling a little suffocated today...stories...more practice notes...
i have been looking into this idea that i have that i must feel the pain of my past to be
able to work through it properly...
i really want to stop giving this story such solidity in my present...with tsk, i can always introduce time or space into the mix, and the painfulness is eased...but i really want to get to the root of what stories are preventing me from moving past these ideas i have that there is something in my past i need to uncover...while there have been many such things, i am really tired of looking back...there is still so much pain attached to these stories of the past...maybe a lot of it has to do with my son going through what he is going through, and the fact that he is going through it while staying with me...
while i have been quiet relaxed the entire time he has been here, when he is not here, is when i seem to go inward and begin looking within and inquiring...
he has shown some signs of withdrawal and depression, but he gets up every morning and goes to work...and i am here if he needs to joke or talk, but i don't want to push him into talking about something that he feels uncomfortable about, or is not ready to talk about...
i think though, his experience is having an affect on me as it relates to my own experience...my energy is very low today, i am having difficulty breathing...i read some uplifting pages in DTS having to do with pain...and was able to open the suffocation up some...i am pretty relaxed...but i am noticing that my head is hurting from thinking so much about stories...or it could be my sinuses...LOL
i have been inquiring into to whether or not some stories are more real than others...like, if i go play in traffic i might end up dead vs. yes virgina there really is a santa claus...
i am an alcoholic and an addict...when i put these substances into my body, they affect me in ways very different from those that are considered to be 'normal' drinkers...just like i am allergic to bees, and stay clear of them, i am also allergic to alcohol and drugs, and stay clear of them too...
i suppose some stories serve their purpose, and are healthy, like if you are having a stroke go to the ER...if you want to prevent a stroke, take care of your health, eat right, exercise, etc...
while my story of alcoholism might limit me on some levels, on a very real level, remembering and telling this story saves my life...and actually makes my living experience better in so many ways...
more notes...
this week i am still examining stories...the stories i've told concerning my life...one main story, that i cannot seem to get away from, for my own protection really, is that i am an alcoholic and an addict...
although come this May 7th, i will have three years of sobriety, in the past, when i drank or used drugs in any way, they took over my life...i cannot ever use them in a safe way...while i am ok with this, when i continue to look back on my life, and inquire into my stories and how they define my life, there is so much pain still attached to this one story that has given birth to infinite ones...
today, this one story has given birth to the story of recovery, not just in my life, but in
the life of family members. my son was sharing some difficult things with me last night, and he happened to mention how much he wished that he did not have the problem of addiction. i have wished that myself on numerous occasions, and really begin to wonder sometimes at some of the things that have actually seemed to help me understand myself better...
like this line from the Big Book from a section that has been endearingly called 'the promises'.
"We will not regret the past, nor wish to close the door on it."
part of me says yes to this, and part of me says hell no...which, the yes and no of this is a focus in the practice this week...
i tend to weave another story, albeit more positive, it is still a story...
i say that there is much that i regret, and wish that i had known how to do better, especially when it comes to raising my children and destroying my life in so many ways...but then again, i am thankful for where i am today...and i would not have learned how to be responsible as i am without AA, and there would have been no AA without my specific problems...but then again, had i not had those problems, i would not have needed AA...but maybe i would have killed myself...stories...
the truth is i could go on and on about the stories of my past, but that does me no good in the here and now, except where it concerns my allowing the stories of my past to dictate that here and now...i'm not sure where i am going with this, or if i am going anywhere...
i like the idea of considering myself as a character in a play...but the circumstances of the play still limit me...
i like the zen story of the man that is chased to the ledge by a tiger where he looks down below, should he decide to jump, to a death on the rocks...he finds a twig or something protruding from the side of the ledge, and lowers himself down...tiger above, rocks below, he looks to his right and sees a strawberry, and eats it, tasting its sweetness...the ever-present now...
this tells me that i must stay in the moment...however; when the moment brings with it elements of the past, that is when i need to look deeper...that is when i am ready...
if i go looking for trouble i will most definitely find it...if trouble comes, i can fight it,
run from it, or deal with it realistically, and sometimes that is just getting the hell out of the way and letting it pass...but sometimes it means walking willingly into the storm...to find the center of calm...wisdom is in knowing...
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conclusion...at last? really? (sorry for the repitition of some things...)
this week has been both freeing, and disorienting...with the freeing of stories and thoughts or more to the point, the de-localizing of their stability, there has been a very noticeable shift of Being that has left me freer in many ways, yet more confused than ever in other ways.
in my interactions with my son, it has given our relationship a new freedom. expectations have been dissolved, along with the stories that created them, and possibilities have been left wide open with no solid interpretation....which has brought further inquiry to more stories, which at times became quite suffocating.
and within all of this, my sense of self is being challenged at a deeper level, and the
fluidity of yes and no, something and nothing, this and that, past and future, are being challenged at every level, and with that has come the sense of 'not knowing' and an interruption within the very fabric of what i believed to be my own true nature...and the acknowledgment that some stories are necessary for survival...
what has come up for me, as well as my son on more than one occasion this week, has been this very 'idea' that we are alcoholics and drug addicts. i can see within my sons experience in his recovery, and remember back to when i too was having the same experience, that awful feeling of being restricted within this 'story' of our past, and how it has held such power over our present and futures. while the 'story' is helpful and necessary on some levels, just like the story we might tell to our child, "don't go playing in traffic; you'll get ran over" we know that we cannot toy with the idea that we can ever drink or drug again...but those patterns of escape are so fixed within us, especially early on in recovery, that the fear of the past, actually keeps us sober in the present. at least until we actually begin doing the inner work that we have to do before gaining any kind of substantial emotional sobriety...
anyway, this has been mirrored to me in my son, and i have been inquiring into this at a deeper level.
for the past few years, it seems that i have been on a roller coaster ride with this one story alone...as my beliefs in God, Higher Power, Awareness, Being, Spirit of the Universe, have all gone back and forth and back again amidst my own confusion concerning the mystery of this magic of the real, i am left no closer to defining it then i ever was, and yet i know that it is present in all of life, and very powerful, and maybe that is enough to know.
as i practiced the exercise this week, there was a lessening of focus on rigid stories, and more of an inquiry into them and their positive aspects, as in the 'story' that i am a recovering addict and alcoholic, and for all intents and purposes, in this life that is a badge that i must wear...but it does not mean that my present or future has to be dictated by my past...
it is like anything else i suppose where we learn through experience, and that experience makes us more responsible and allows us to mature and make more responsible decisions...my grand daughter asked me a few times if i would always have to go to those meetings, and i told her yes. not only do they remind me of where i have been, but they offer the opportunity to help others, which
is a main-stay within AA...to keep it, you have to give it away...
i have also been questioning this week the very idea that our paths have to be painful to be productive. after all, is that not just another story we tell ourselves that seems to indicate that more pain will have to be felt in the present of our future? seems to me like life itself brings enough pain on its own without my insisting on more...could there not be a less painful way of discovering what holds us back from our potential then the one i have experienced? do we have to endure all this psychological pain to be free? really?
i am beginning to look into the various ways that tsk offers just such a way...i imagine that my stories have more to do with the pain i feel than the actual inquiry itself...and this week i have been experimenting with looking in a more 'playful' manner, since some of my stories have loosened, i am more able to do this, and i feel pretty sure that the more stories i identify within my own being, including and especially the one of 'self', the lighter my journey of inquiry will be...what i am beginning to understand, is that stories are necessary. but how deeply we are attached to their solidity, is not...
always, star...
here is a new entry from David...which includes a list of all the older entries...
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poetry
November 2009 
starlight
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