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November 2009 
Noticing Thoughts...TSK Exercise...wk 1
starlight
NOTICING THOUGHTS...
well, needless to say i did not like this exercise at all in the beginning, and i am not
sure that i like it any better now...lol...who the heck wants to think? it gives me a
headache...and since i do not take narcotics anymore...well...i try to avoid pain at any
cost...i'd rather escape into my blissfilled bubble...and preach at you through my poems, that way i can convince myself that i am doing my part...i'm an idiot, what can i tell you?
the instructions were to notice thoughts...what happened to me however, was i became obsessed with a few particular thoughts, that i can see now have literally controlled how my life has evolved, whether i realized it or not at the time...
all weekend long i was miserable...obsessed with suffering...Gaza, war, killing, the children starving in Africa...the crime in my own neighborhood, drug addiction...i cried all weekend wondering how the hell are we to solve all these things? what's the use? that old familiar attitude of 'giving up' came back, and there i was once again, absorbed in the unknowing, and impossibility of it all...my bliss bubble bursted...here i was, once again, human like all the rest...without answers...without hope...and maybe, with a few less conditioned beliefs as well...
but it left me unstable...no where to go...just an idiot with a head full of idiotic ideas, so i decided to do what was suggested, and try and notice my thoughts without obsessing over them...another distraction? i honestly thought i was taking a step backwards...that is what it has felt like...but i had to remember that just a few short years ago i was a drunk and a druggie...so just maybe there are levels of integration i bypassed on my way to bliss...after all, i still don't seem to really know how to interact with others very well...so maybe there are many more shadows i need to look at honestly within the multi-layered structure of my mind...this seems like a better idea then remaining in depression...i hate depression...but a good taste of it, keeps me humble i suppose...
and so, i began last night looking and allowing my thoughts to be recognized by a me that does not exist, but apparently still thinks she does...lol
there were zillions of them...it was dizzying to try and figure out which came first...
the itch i felt, or the thought about the itch i felt...and then there was the thought of
recognition about both of those thoughts...geeze...i had opened the door to a nut house...but i was not depressed anymore...unless i actually 'thought' about it...LOL...
what did i learn from this? i'm an idiot...who apparently doesn't know the first thing
about living life on life's terms...in fact, i don't know anything at the moment...except
maybe that i am still controlled by my thoughts...at deeper levels than i realized existed...
thoughts are so noisy...but even thinking that i am in that 'no thought' place...is a thought...
go figure...when your structures of belief, even the ones you think are true start giving
way, and there is no place to go...maybe that is the way out of the madness...
i dunno...will keep you posted...always, star...
for a more integrated version of this exercise...
and...
a magical journey through thoughts in space and time...
Access: Public
Hi Star,
I’m reading Krishnamurti’s Freedom from the Known and your words reminded me of something in there.
If you look at those statements [thoughts] and do not interpret them all but just give them your complete attention (not concentration) you will find there is neither the observer nor the observed, neither the thinker nor the thought. Don’t say, ‘Which began first?’ That is a clever argument which leads nowhere.
The expansive space of the frontal cortex is abundant and leads to those sensible qualities that are beyond words and time in that place of Great space.
Personally, I have also decided to take a break from politics or news broadcasts for awhile. I find its inhibiting my spaciousness.
Peace…
i hear you Jordan…and intellectually i do understand that, and usually my experiencing is like that too…but i suppose this tsk exercise has done what it was suppose to do within my own awareness, in that i actually experienced more of my own conditioning, at a whole other level, and felt it fall apart…it was not pleasant while it was happening, and i still feel like i am ‘lost in space and time’, but i am going to go out on a limb here and say that this is possibly progress…whether i realized it or not, my nonbeliefs were beliefs…and my core beliefs that have continued to frame my life and experience were still alive and well too…i am still trying to integrate the experience, and i really don’t have a clue as to what i am doing on that level, but i do trust this ‘not-knowing’ right now…let us hope that i don’t go and build something else based on something that my mind trys to grasp as truth…truth is shaking in its boots right now, and i am inclined to imagine that as being a really good thing, especially as it relates to the groundlessness of Being…and the infinite potential of Being…
life and world can never be anything other than what i think it is, unless i open that possibility up…so in that sense, the tsk exercise worked great…settling in to unsettledness can be unsettling…LOL…but i am beginning to feel more comfortable…
thank you Jordan for commenting and sharing what you are reading…your kindness is appreciated…joy*
i watch in wonder as you journey…
Glad to read your words this morning Star. May your day be attentive and spacious.
Nicole…yeah, i am a real live TNT Drama here on Gaia…LOL
i love you Nicole…your kindness and encouragement has always been appreciated…joy*
Jordan, hey, yeap…when you add that spaciousness into the mix…it makes it all better…LOL…and the attentiveness without obsession…but the entire experience was something that was needed…
it’s kinda like going to the dentist and having a tooth pulled that has been driving you crazy for years…it’s a painful process, but once it is over with, you can look back on it with appreciation for what it accomplished…and it can also go a long way in making you appreciative for the rest of your teeth, so that more intelligent care can be given…
bottom line…i needed to look at some core beliefs i have been holding on to since i was a very young child; at least the ‘unhealthy’ aspects of them…and integrate a more mature way of understanding them…
joy*
Hi Star, I know what you mean with going through difficult experiences being necessary to bring things to light. I have also been working with many painful things come up in my field of awareness lately and all the judgment that goes with that. Also, like you said, obsessing over things. I have noticed that with the inquiry process the ‘observer’ tends to judge or read with old constructs. I have also noticed with full attentiveness, somehow that inner voice that is quick to criticize falls away, and I can slow down and rest in spacious presence and be a part of more knowledge. Then there is neither the observer nor the observed, neither the thinker nor the thought, and the sensible quality of things become illuminated. It seems like it is more of sensing thoughts rather than noticing them. With a spacious mind we can be more open to the true nature of thoughts and emotions.
beautifully expressed Jordan…tremendous insight as well…
you know, so many times i have been led to believe that suffering is to be obliterated if one is to be ‘enlightened’…but my experience has been that when i allow for suffering, and remain present in spite of it, then healing through honest feeling takes place…and i can keep it real…and then, in opening up and allowing joy to be included in that space…there always comes a balance, and a clarity of awareness with that, that speaks to a deeper awakening of my own journey and how it is interconnected to all of Being…
it would seem, at least from where i am viewing,that a denial of human suffering, is an escape, and prevents us from experiencing our own true nature, and all of Being in its completeness…
thank you for your contributions to this entry Jordan…when we open ourselves up honestly and look…how can we not see compassion, especially in the midst of suffering…and by sharing that suffering, again compassion is allowed to breathe more fully…and appreciation is born anew…
joy*
Yes, being in the completeness, the totality, and whatever comes into attention. Becoming the entire breath of the field sensations, whether it be stimulation, thought, emotions; no matter. Expanding into the loving nature of the natural movement of the struggles of life.
Here’s more Krishnamurti because it is sitting on my lap begging to be read,
in a way, he debunks the ‘idea’ of silence, and discipline…by including it in a vibrant sense of Being, ever-flowing and ever-free, yet ever-alive, with its own fluidity of movement…
thnx Jordan for sharing that…i have understood this ‘idea’ of silence…as not being silent at all…experiencing pure Being, that is alive with potential, and only silent of the emotional attachments and inner noise we continue to give our thoughts and ideas concerning presence of Being…
joy*
Sure, using the word ‘silence’ is just another word used to describe the sensational quality of the space of the mind. It just moves us more toward working toward that lovely Great space with our spiritual practice.
It’s interesting to explore the many words we try to attach to our experiences of space. Like vast, still, quiet, dark, light, dense, shallow, full, heavy, palpable, luminous, clear, etc. What is this matter? And how wonderful space dynamism spiraling into infinity…
words…yes…LOL…
Tarthang Tulka’s approach to this has been that words limit our understanding, but for that very reason, they can also be ways of opening it also…Bruce would probably know the exact quote and book where TT states this, but the idea is to use words in new ways that break the cycles and old patterns of how we understand them…this is something i have been paying attention to, and it is interesting to play with them in new ways, that open up their meaning…
being a poet, i love words, and i love the idea that presented in new ways, they can be just as powerful in contributing to our understanding as they were in limiting it…
what is this matter? the magic of the real as far as i am concerned…LOL…i love that Being dances its form into appearance in space, and that time allows for appearance to experience…very magical indeed! joy*
Hi Star,
I can appreciate how much you love words, and the idea that they can be just as powerful in contributing to our understanding as to limiting it…
Not too long ago I mentioned a book you might like in a PM, that Bruce mentioned in one of our exchanges, and that he uses in teaching one of his courses. If you get the book you’ll recognize the Subject/Object reversal exercise and others things that parallel what we’re doing in TSK. The book is “The Spell of the Sensuous”, by David Abram. One of the ways that Abrams says we limit language is by focusing exclusively on the abstract and conventional meanings, essentially disconnecting the language from the deeper more fundamental gestural, somatic dimensions. For he points out so well in the book that meaning remains rooted in the sensory life of the body. Weather it’s the underlying gestural body language that is emotionally driven from which words fly from human lips, or the howl of the wolf, the song of the bird, the whisper of the leaves, or the moaning wind, he says:
“To the sensing body all phenomena are animate, actively soliciting the participation of our senses, or else withdrawing from our focus and repelling our involvement. Things disclose themselves to our immediate perception as vectors, as styles of unfolding—not as finished chunks of matter given once and for all, but as dynamic ways of engaging the senses and modulating the body. Each thing, each phenomenon, has the power to reach us and to influence us. Every phenomenon, in other words, is potentially expressive… Thus, at the most primordial level of sensuous, bodily experience, we find ourselves in an expressive, gesturing landscape, in a world that speaks.”
One thing I seem reasonably sure of is that you’re no idiot as you say, but a sensuous soul who is inquiring and expressing, and in this process you continue to unfold, like the rose. :-)
BestDavid
David, you are very kind…and i thank you for that…
i think Bruce has suggested for me another book, one directed towards integration…which i plan to order on the first of the month…and i am still reading Dynamics of Time and Space, which i find very helpful at the moment…and have yet to read Sacred Dimensions of Time and Space, which i already have…but i will keep your suggestion in mind…as i am certain i would resonate with it…
joy*