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beliefs
November 2009 
religion and me...
starlight
i have been motivated by recent misunderstandings concerning my writings to share my experience concerning religion...
when i was 8 years old, i was encouraged by my well meaning Mother to be baptized...
for the remission of my sins...
i was raised in the strictest of Churches of Christ...where every thing was a sin...
and the best that i could hope for, was to die in my sleep, after having said my
prayers, where i would beg God for the forgiveness of my many sins every night...
i had been taught at this very tender age that there were five steps to salvation...
hear the word...
believe the word...
confess Christ...
repent of sins...
and be baptized...
with these things i MIGHT be saved...without them, i would spend eternity in hell...
and burn forever...but it did not end there...and i soon realized that to truly be saved,
i had to be perfect...
and, anyone not belonging to this strict version of the Church of Christ...was also
going to burn in hell...forever...that's a lot of folks! the only way to get into
this Church, which is considered to be the body of Christ...was through baptism...
so anyone not baptized...in the Church of Christ way...was outside the church and
in sin...no hope...and...they had scriptures to back their beliefs up...to this day,
viewed from that perspective...they are right...and everyone else is wrong...
guilt controled everything, and i stayed pretty confused during my youth...i never fit
in...because their beliefs did not match their actions...they preached all these rules
and stuff...and yet i saw nothing of the love of Jesus...but much of the hypocracy...
the same scriptures that said that murderers would go to hell, said that gossips would too and although i did not know any murderers...there was lots of gossiping going on...
now i am not saying that they did not have love for Jesus...and that they were all no good judgmental, hypocritical assholes...but with these strict conditions, as my mind tried to make since of it all...i was left with the hypocrisy of religion...period...and since i investigated most all religions...this bad taste was in my mouth concerning them all...i
could see the hypocrisy...and the added guilt of myself being judgmental of others...
i could not make sense of Jesus's teachings, or the teachings of any church...and the
old testament was a source of shock...what the hell kind of god is that? that is what my mind thought...and my heart was broken and filled with grief...not to mention my mind...
i was spoon-fed guilt, but also, i got a very good education in the New Testament
scriptures, that have served me too this day in my search for truth...
this seeking of truth was within me always...the injustices of this world, in and out
of religious circles pained me in a way i cannot explain...
and so, as life began to hit me hard, and reality began to set in...i began to drink...
i could not make any sense out of religion or the world...and although i never turned
my back on God or Jesus's teachings...i left the church...and became this wild thing.
i was going to prove to the world...i could 'do all things in moderation'...and so i began to justify the way i lived my life...by the very scriptures that had defined my beliefs
early on...and the ironic thing about this, is that you can justify anything with that
bible book...lol
it didn't help much that i was a singer, and at age ten, began singing in bars...
by age 15, i was doing more than just singing in those bars...
my religious, conditioned beliefs would continue to haunt me, and i would spend a series of years going back and forth from religion to worldly...and when i was 'out there', i was OUT THERE...when i was in the church, i tried to be perfect...and it was very sincere...
i can remember once riding down the road, when the speed limits had been changed to 55mph...and i was doing maybe a couple a miles over the speed limit...and i broke down crying...begging God to help me not sin in this way...
needless to say...I WAS FUCKED UP! excuse the language...but i am being real here...
i was so emotionally abused as a child by religion...but i don't blame anyone...my
Mom was only doing what she believed was right...and her intentions were the saving
of my soul...she was raised in an insane environment herself...very dysfunctional...as
well as my Father, and they did the best they knew how, and in many ways, pulled themselves out of the ditch, and gave me and my sisters a good life...all things considered...
i don't blame the members or the Church of Christ either...it is a fear and guilt based religion...and i see it for what it is...i know that many live happily within it, but i was not, nor can i ever be...one of those people...
i didn't always feel that way...i went through a period where i blamed everyone for everything...but i have grown up a lot over the years...and i see things very differently than that emotionally ill child/adult saw them...
this might seem ironic, but i actually found the God of my understanding at an AA candlelight meeting...since then...my idea's concerning God and awareness have opened up in many ways...and today...my God has no limits...and is certainly not limited by anyones religious beliefs...or lack their of...
today, maybe my writings appear at times to be anti-religious...i suppose they are...and maybe sometimes i appear arrogant in my own awareness, and the fact that i can now dismiss them very easily and reduce them to conceptual conditioning that causes suffering...apparently offends religious folks everywhere...
recently, i have opened my mind to the possibility that there are those that are actually
happy, joyous, and free within the confines of their religions...i am reluctantly trying
to accept this idea...which from my perspective is impossible...but my experience is one of extreme...to say the least...so, if you are or have been offended by my writings...email me and we will talk it out, as i just recently did with one friend...
i think i am just going to leave religion to the religious...i have written enough on it
as is...and have come a long way in laying my strong dislike for it to rest...
today, i have to admit that i still have a very strong aversion to religion...my ideas
concerning it have not changed...i think it to be a way to oppress...enslave...and i
hate that about it...
however; having said that...i will do my best to honor and respect others that have a
different experience...we may not agree...but we can agree to disagree in an adult way,
not harming or preventing each others right to express their beliefs as they are so
moved by the spirit which dwells in all of us...
i am not going to apologize for what i believe or do not believe...and i do not desire
anyone else too...we are all products of our own conditioning...and we each have our own path to God...and our own understanding of what that God is...truth is...some of us are going to agree with each other...and some of us may never be able too...but we can be adults about it...
may you all be filled with the joy of the divine...which you are...in all that you endeavor to do...
sincerely and always, star...
Access: Public
hello lady friend,
as i read this blog i was thinking “to each his/her own” and also “to thine own selves be true” as much as i love my Jesus Christ and his teachings, i have never been able to fit into the confines (forgive me just my perception) of a church, and in the past i tried many times. i find i fit best with loving God and truly believing the God of my understanding is LOVE. i suppose with my grandmother being religious and my mom being non-religious (somewhat), helped me to form a non-biased opinion of others beliefs, and helped me to form my own. wow during my childhoodhood years my mom was baptist, catholic, budhist, and a few other round peg in square hole sects/religions. none never seemed to quite fit me, atleast not for long. as an adult and going into the army, i simply chose to have CHRISTIAN placed on my dog tags. and although i never had any intentions of converting i studied with jehovahs witnesses for many years off and on. i do enjoy visiting different types of worship services, especially those with a ministry for music. truth be told i have no idea of how to classify myself or if i need to. seems as if its been enough to live, to learn, and to love just one day at a time in search of the truth within me. so i continue to pray and meditate and give thanks and praise to the God of my understanding. and the way i understand Him is that i say again God is Love.
kindness, joy, love and happiness to you,
Lorna
thnx Lorna, for your usual honest expression of love…
i too love the teachings of Jesus; and much of the writings of Paul…as well as many other scriptures from a wide range of beliefs…those that speak to me, are the ones that speak from the perspective of love…and yes…God has no religion…is beyond all and every limit…and is within us all…this is the God of my understanding…expressed through love…
ditto on the kindness, joy, love, and happiness…
again, thnx for sharing…always, star…
Ok. Girly Girl, here goes!!
Your perspective is too narrow for me. You beleive that all 'religion'
is limited like what your unfortunate experiences in your narrow church of christ doctines taught you….but I say that religion is EXPANSIVE…….
.judaism is the root of all of it star……AND ITS EXPANSIVE…AND SO IS SOME OF , NOT ALL, christianity….AFTER ALL, CHRISTANITY IS ONLY AN OFFSHOOT OF A FAR GREATER RELIGION, WHICH IS JUDAISM….Star, that is NOT all there is….move on but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater…
You say that religion is 'binding' and in a way, you are right, but your understanding of what that means is wrong….so wrong…
Let me explain….when I first read the commandments I had been so resistant to them that I had to literally force myself to read them…but when I did, because my soul was true, true in that I was truly looking for, seeking, truth and God, I found truth…WE ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT!!! THAT IS THE TRUTH…and we always know what OUR INTENTION IS BY WHAT WE GET!!!!!!!!!!
You know the truth of what I speak…
The light went on in my head and my eyes were filled with light and UNDERSTANDING~
i UNDERSTOOD AT THAT MOMENT What God's commandments were meant to do~~
They FREED ME….HOW??? because it was so obvious to me at that moment that all I needed was the parameters of which I should NOT trespass to have all the FREEDOM I needed in SAFETY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>WITH A SAFETY NET…
SAFETY………….A FUNCTION OF LOVE……PROTECTION, LIGHT, WISDOM…INTELLIGENCE..
If I wasn't this I wouldn't become that…….lets just take one obvious situation…
Sexual promiscuity……..if we are promiscuous, most likely, WE HAVE BEEN exploited AND WE HAVE EXPLOITED, used OTHERS, , abused OTHERS..BEEN INSINCERE, READ MY SOILED MADONNA…, and WERE abusers….AND most likely too – suffered from many bad experiences, broken hearts, not to mention STDS and AIDS, hepatitiS and every form disgusting and disgraceful infectious disease known to man……..So, because I choose to listen to wisdom……..I can be free of that and choose to live with dignity, in the LIGHT..
You on the other hand may think that is confining….I say to you, having aids is confining, you got it backwards….I say, heartbreak is confining, and deadening, and painful, and rejection and being used is truly confining….
Lets take another look…
The commandments…….ARE they for GOD???????????????????????? ARE THEY FOR GOD??? DOES GOD NEED YOU TO DO THE COMMANDMENTS?
NO!! they are for YOU!!! They are to BUILD YOU into greatness…every opportunity for growth, for dignity and quality of life, of VIRTUE – virtue comes with appropriate disciplines….Problem is, we want to do what we want to do…….pick and choose….and avoid, WE ARE THE REBELS, WE CAN'T BE TOLD ANYTHING, THEREFORE WE ARE DUMMIES WHO WALK IN DARKNESS WITH PROBLEMS AND SCREW UPS…..
so what do we have??? We have lack of quality, lack of integrity, LACK OF ENLIGHTENMENT, LACK OF INTEGRITY, CLASS, DIGNITY…HOLINESS, GRACIOUSNESS, HONOR, ON AND ON AND ON…….WE EXPLOIT AND PROSTITUTE OURSELVES FOR NOTHING…….
IS THAT FREEDOM?? we have freedom yes, freedom that is bringing us DOWN, DOWN DOWN……….
THAT IS CONFINEMENT, MY FRIEND…
I CHOOSE LIFE….
I am sure STAR by now, you got my gist…
I would love to school you….you are a good candidate…
blessings to you my friend…you are right, I do walk in the LIGHT….and I want more of that for you………
check out some different sources of understanding of GOD….GOD MY FRIEND IS ONLY A BUILDER AND ADDER, HE NEVER DIMINISHES…HE ONLY WANTS US TO BE BIGGER AND GREATER….MORE GODLY…
tHERE IS NO SUCH THING WITH GOD AS DISCIPLINE FOR NO REASON, IT IS ALL ABOUT WISDOM, DRAWING HIS CREATURE CLOSER TO HIM, HIGHER LEVELS OF DIGNITY AND INTELLIGENCE..AND QUALITY OF LIFE…IT IS ONLY ABOUT LOVE….
AND I WILL TELL YOU ANOTHER SECRET STAR…….
ALTHOUGH I yaffa, have always loved and been loved, and i am NOTHING but love,
my late husband knew more about love then i will ever know in my life….and beleive me he taught me quite a lot about love….now do you know where he learned how to love…
and he loved me so much he told me at one time, 'yaffi, i love you so much i would even die for you….'
He learned it from his avodah, his cleaving to GOD!! yeah, YOU GOT IT!! HE learned it from cleaving to GOD>>>>
And so did I……..
thanks
yaffa
LOL…you are a trip girl…but i love ya…
thnx for stopping by…
yaffa, what do you mean by 'buy'…like in the traditional sense of actually buying friendship…like the lobbiests do in Washington kind of buy? LOL…i am certain you don't mean that, but am curious as to what you do mean…
btw…didn't want you to think that i was ignoring what you said in your first post, but you are kinda all over the place…and i had to let my mind obsorb what all you were trying to say…
since you were involved in Christian studies, i would like to ask if you have ever read the Nag Hammadi Library…
i also want to say this as respectful as i can…i would not mind hearing about your religion, and sharing…and we can learn from each other…but i would appreciate you not trying to convert me yaffie…lol…i am really satisfied with the path that i am on…my seeking days are over, as i have found what i needed to find, and am at peace and joy within my own true nature…
i spent literally decades studying just about every religion under the sun, and although i am very glad that you have finally found one that you are satisfied with, i stand by what i posted about religion as it concerns me…but that does not mean that i would not enjoy discussing it with you…but i do not want to convert, nor am i searching for answers…like i stated…i have found the ones that matter…
i do no longer consider my view narrow; you might say that it contains the truth that is scattered in all beliefs…and beyond…
but i thank you for your kind concern…
dear yaffie,
so much to address…
everything you have learned about your beliefs…you have been 'taught' to believe…
including your 'ten commandments'…
all of it, you admit came from the mind of Abram…
he heard a voice…
is it not a fact…that when someone hears voices today we put them on meds and bring out the little guys in with the white coats on?
what makes Abram different than any other person that hears a voice? why is he so special and others are not? cause the voice told him he was? ridiculousness…
now i have my own experience, sorta, concerning this, as my sister began hearing voices when she was younger…they put her in a mental hospital and have kept her 'doped' up ever since…giving her shock treatments and who knows how much medication…to control the voices and prevent her from killing herself…who knows, maybe she could have been hearing the so-called 'voice of God' too…and started her own religious following…
it may hurt you for us to discuss any other idea concerning religion, than your own…but you might just want to consider that this is a public place to blog and we all have our own experiences…i have not come to your blog and blasted your beliefs and called them ridiculous…and i would appreciate some of that 'Godly' respect that you continue to say that you have…on this my blog…this is my space…
having said that…you generalize everything and then tell me that what i said hurt you without giving me any specifics…how can i address that?
i have to guess that you did not like it when i referred to Abraham as a murderer and a lier…he was…so was moses…so was columbus…so is our president…my intent however was not to damn their souls to hell, but for us to see things the way they really are…instead of this fairy tale way that we want them to be, or wish they were…iow…let's look at this intelligently…
you suggested that if we followed the ten commandments, that we are in good shape…and i suggest to you that while moses was given the ten commandments, supposedly from a burning bush, or grey cloud, or whatever…he did not follow them, nor did the children of israel follow them…nor does anyone follow them today…
moses spent 40 years in the desert training israeli soldiers…tell me what is different today? look at the middle east…my god…my buddha…my jesus christ…my shiva…my whatever…what the fuck is it going to take for people to wake up?
you have had quiet a religious journey yourself, and yet you now claim you know the way…and your way is the only way…yet you wrote this on your homepage…
I have struggled to find new meaning in my life now since i am widowed. I question what God's doing and how this loss has impacted my life. So far I have found no good whatsover in the hellish nightmare I have lived over these past five years. I am sorry to say I have found no good in it whatsoever..even tho I am educated in judaism and was a former minister of Christianity.
if you yourself cannot find true peace within your own understanding, why should i listen to anything you have to say?
and yet…i am trying to listen…you on the other hand…your mind is closed…now your path is yours, and i am not saying that my way is the only way…you nor anyone else can take my journey…nor can any of us take anothers…and you don't know me; you do not know my path; you have not been there during my dark nights of the soul…by your own admission, you have lived a somewhat charmed existence…you have had the security and love of a great man as you have said, and i have no reason to doubt you…but you go around spouting your judgments, and putting everyone else down…and then when someone makes a referrence to your beloved religion…you get offended…you get hurt…
might i suggest you develope a tougher skin if you want to play here yaffie…
i don't live in a dream world anymore…and i will not be going along with yours…
i think you are a lovely woman, who has been through a horrific period…and i can sympothise with this…but i will not allow you to come on my blog and throw such a childish tantrum and not hold up a mirror for you…Julian may have let you get away with what you said to him…which i thought was very uncool…even though i might think Julian to be arrogant sometimes, lol…who isn't…but you will not get away with it on my blog…nope…not having it…
having said all of that…i assure you that i am in no way angry at you…and if you would like to have an intelligent discussion about religion or whatever…cool…let us do just that…but let us put away our belittling attributes, and this nonsense of my god is better than yours…or my beliefs are better than yours shit…you have just in your post 'trashed' many individuals here…by saying that most of what is here is trash…i do not agree with your assessments…
life is to be experienced…and this has been quiet an experience…shall we continue on our journey…with respect and tolerance and understanding for one anothers path?
sincerely, star…
Btw, go look at my new work…you will like it!! hot off the press!
Meanwhile I have never had one dose of medicine in any form for the whole year now this coming august…what does that tell you??
it tells me that you have had a different experience than i or my sister…and therefore, have no way of understanding life experienced from that view…we tend to judge that which we do not understand…
but when something doesn't become sweet, means the fruit is bad, no??
not necessarily…kids in Africa don't have any fruit…what does that tell you? the drug addicts and prostitutes and those that are proned to rebel against society, have their own story…their own experience…and until we have walked in their shoes…which we cannot…we cannot know…again, we judge what we do not understand…because we fear it…and have been taught to think of it as 'evil'…so we label these forgotten souls, and judge them…instead of trying to love them, and understand them, and offer them a helping hand…
As far as julian goes, did you not notice he never gave either of us the right time of day?? He is obnoxious…you didn't get that?? Only his cronies, would he 'delight ' with an answer..maybe he is gay…i don't know..
Julian has many irons in the fire, and i am sure he has better things to do than address my silly replys…but i am also sure that he is doing the best that he can do…as i am also sure you are and i am…when we know better, we do better…btw…many think you and i are obnoxious as well…lol…there is a saying in recovery: “if you spot it, you got it”…
your reference to him being gay…is that a judgment? is it an attempt to slight his character? that says more to me about you than it does about him…i don't care who he fucks…
jesus helped those that could not stand on their own…i aspire to the kind of love that does not judge…
spitting out the bones…